JANE: Lovejoy?

Hello?

Lovejoy?

Lovejoy?

Yeah?

Janey!

Hello.

What are you doing?

People!

Look at this.

It's a beautiful Minton tile, eh?

Probably part of this fireplace surround.

Most of them are chipped or cracked.

Probably been replaced by plastic.

Oh, did you get my message?

-What message?

-A Jim Leonard rang.

Jim Leonard?

Bye.

Jim Leonard.

Taught me all I know.

Well, or most of what I know about antiques and the -- the other stuff.

You know -- how to spot a fake, how to make one.

You know, I once saw him cook a van Gogh -- well, a van Gogh look-alike -- in a low-voltage microwave oven, done to a T. Lots of ways to make money.

You can pan for gold, dig for diamonds.

Hm.

Others find oil.

Jim looks for green, the banker's vitamin.

The only protection against people like him is honesty, and there's not much of that about these days.

Thank goodness.

[ Dutch accent ] Jim, how are you?

Fine.

Good to see you.

Ron?

Have you met, uh, Ron Nokes?

No.

Hans Koopman.

But call me Midas.

I'm from Xanadu.

Right.

I heard.

Well, I wouldn't have thought this would've been in your line, Mr. Koopman.

I thought you preferred established reputations.

At Xanadu, we buy art -- lots of art -- but we make reputations.

Being taken up by us is a benchmark of success.

Now, not everyone approves.

Some say Hans Koopman is a trend junkie, a fashion freak.

I can live with that.

So, do you like my work, Mr. Koopman?

I want to buy your show -- all of it.

I heard.

Didn't believe it.

Oh, it's true.

I'll give you £10,000 for it.

I want to sign you up.

Not interested?

Uh, there is one problem.

Share it.

There's five years' work here, Mr. Koopman.

Yeah.

I read the catalog.

Ten grand for five years' solid work, Koopman?

Oh!

You think it's ungenerous?

Frankly, yeah.

Good.

I like a man who speaks his mind.

We'll get on.

But you know, at this moment, the name Ron Nokes, with respect, is not a name that gives off vibrations.

The art business is like any other business.

People buy names -- brand names.

Now, you are 23.

You started work on some of these pieces when you were what?

Uh, 18?

Some of them, yeah.

Ron, believe me... they look like it.

Think of this £10,000 as an investment in your future.

It's your potential that I'm buying.

Now, shall we go for a drink?

A real drink?

Such confidence, such bravado, only comes with youth.

You know, this boy Knowles, he could be -- JIM: Nokes.

Hmm?

Nokes.

Whatever.

He could be, well, another Henry Moore.

You've seen his stuff.

It's perfect for Xanadu.

And the beauty of it is, apart from the art, he is as dumb as an ox.

He probably thinks "Paradise Lost" is a football result.

[ Chuckles ] No, he will sign up.

He will join our stable.

I thought stables were for horses.

Horses?

It's just my little joke.

Any littler, I would've missed it.

Tell me, Jim, are you anti-success?

No.

Not at all.

[ Chuckles ] You Brits and your traditions.

I've never known a race to be more dedicatedly anti-success.

If you struggle for years or slice an ear off, everybody loves you.

But if you make it, make it big, you spend the rest of your life apologizing.

When are you coming down to Rokeby Hall?

Wild horses wouldn't keep me away.

A Gustav Klimt, you don't come across every day.

True.

I'm agog.

Xanadu doesn't own many Klimts.

Telephone, Mr. Koopman.

Ah.

Excuse me, Jim.

It's my call from Zurich.

[ Whistles ] [ Birds chirping ] [ Bell tolling ] Not a bad little drum.

Your starter for 15.

What's this?

-Uh, that -- -Oh, come along.

Come along.

That's -- That's a mounting block.

Used for what?

Helping the aged and infirm into their saddles.

-Bicycle saddles?

-Horses.

Whoever taught you, Lovejoy, did a good job.

Didn't he?

[ Both laughing ] Where have you been for seven years?!

Around.

Not around here.

So, what's all this, eh?

House-sitting.

The owners are old friends.

They've, uh, gone away for a bit.

Left you in charge, eh?

I know what you're thinking, Lovejoy.

I find that offensive.

Highly offensive.

-Sorry, Jim.

-So I should think.

TINKER: The 100 Club.

100 Oxford Street.

Siouxsie and the Banshees debuted there in 197-- Eight.

The Electric Ballroom.

Camden high street.

Sid Vicious played his last U.K. gig there.

When?

August '78.

It was billed as "Sid sods off."

[ Chuckles ] Yes, well, they did things more stylishly at Dame Nellie's farewell.

Dame who?

Nellie Melba, great Australian diva.

Escoffier named the peach Melba after her.

It's difficult to imagine what they named after Mr.

Vicious, unless it was a vomitarium.

Next.

22 Lansdowne Crescent.

Uh, Monika Dannemann's Notting Hill pad, Jimi Hendrix's last night.

Why, Eric?

Was I right?

Yes, but why?

Why all the useless information?

Because it's not useless because I have seen the future, and it's pop.

What's your father got to do with all this?

Popmabilia.

A Jimi Hendrix Stratocaster guitar sold at Sotheby's in 1990.

How much?

About tuppence ha'penny, I should think.

£198,000.

[ Electric guitar plays ] We need to smarten you up a tad.

Got any nice clothes?

I will when you buy me some.

Lovejoy, an art adviser to the, uh, V&A.

V&A all right?

V&A's fine.

Adviser on what?

We're selling a picture.

-We are?

-We are.

An oil.

Gustav Klimt.

You are the country's leading authority on 20th-century painting.

-I am?

-You are.

I am.

Uh, one thing -- the -- the house owner.

-Sir Alan Trenchard.

-Yeah.

Do you think he might have something to say about this?

We haven't lost our bottle, have we, Lovejoy?

-Jim.

-Lovejoy.

Since I've seen you, I've been inside.

I'd heard.

Awful.

You must meet such a dreadful class of person.

Open prison.

I was one of the few people that wasn't a company director.

I live 'round here.

I have done for some time.

I'd like to continue doing so.

No problem.

I'll just give you the Cook's tour.

LOVEJOY: Ooh.

Tell me about the urns, Lovejoy.

Never mind about the urns.

Why do you want me, Jim?

'Cause I can't do it without you.

Koopman's a difficult man to con, and he's dangerous.

And you're still the best -- the divvy, the magic touch.

Take him through the house and do your stuff.

If we want to sell the Klimt, we don't sell him the Klimt.

[ Inhales deeply ] That's why I need you, Lovejoy.

Tea, Mr. Lovejoy?

JIM: Not Mr. Lovejoy.

Lovejoy.

"Mister" suggests there's millions of them.

There isn't.

There's only the one.

Let me introduce Judy, my better half.

Hello.

[ Chuckles ] -Married?

-Mm.

Fleeting moment of madness.

Two glasses of Irish stout and the moon rising over Marbella.

Margate.

JIM: The maximum of temptation and, thank God, the maximum of opportunity.

Who said that?

I did.

Didn't you hear?

Tea.

Oh, yes.

Earl Grey with a slice?

Milk and three lumps.

Scone and strawberry jam?

Terrific.

JIM: Why are you doing it?

Warren's gone fishing.

Warren?

-Staff.

-Ah.

I'll serve it on the terrace.

Nothing wrong with your eyes.

Judy is going to be my sister.

You're gonna use your own wife as bait?

It's because of her we're here.

Koopman destroyed her father.

I promised I'd redress the balance.

The thing I don't understand... is who'd buy all this stuff.

Who buys?

I'll tell you who buys popmabilia.

The fans, the dealers, the roadies, the punters.

And then, of course, there's the big buyers, the burger barons.

The who?

No, the burger barons.

[ Chuckles ] Well, they're the main movers and shakers, you see, the faces who own all the big burger joints.

I mean, they plaster the walls with popmabilia.

And now there's all the counterfeit gear, the forgeries.

I mean, one smashed-up Ricky looks much like another, you know.

-Who's Ricky?

-[ Sighs ] The question is, did Pete Townshend smash it?

And if he did?

Well, bingo.

Megabucks.

I only wish someone would bankroll me.

Yes?

Well, then I could go to L.A., Nashville, the Big A.

Where?

LOVEJOY: Selling Trenchard's Klimt.

So what's he gonna say when he comes home?

I'm not selling a Klimt.

I'm selling the illusion that I'm selling a Klimt.

We've stayed here a few times, you see.

We know the picture well.

Jim could paint it from memory if he had to.

Koopman's an expert.

So are you, Lovejoy.

V&A, remember?

You can't con an honest man.

First lesson.

I've not forgotten.

We'll get the money paid into an account in Holland, and Judy and I will take off on an extended vacation.

Holland.

Smells like diamonds, Jim.

JIM: Diamonds.

Small...easily portable... impossible to trace.

You'll get first cut, Lovejoy.

So, um... tell me more about Xanadu.

Well, they buy art like most people buy carpet -- by the yard.

Then they shove it into one of their Swiss warehouses, and it sits there like gold in Fort Knox.

Does the public have any access to it?

No way.

It just stays there, appreciating.

And appreciating... -So they never get -- -...and appreciating.

They never get to see it at all?

Never.

Just gets sold on when the time is right, all to private collectors.

Koopman has all the ethics of a piranha.

One slip...

So as the Romans used to say... Semper nates scuto defende.

What the hell does that mean?

Always cover your ass.

Taught you that in prison, did they?

TINKER: Oh, this is lovely.

Take it, please.

-Eric.

-Uh-huh.

Oh, not the big one.

Yes, the big one.

What are you doing, buying it by the acre?

Oh, get on with it.

Pop, remember?

-I'll pop you in a minute.

-[ Clattering ] Careful!

Careful.

Got that one.

Oh, lovely.

£45.

I feel guilty charging you.

Don't be.

Can you get any more?

Has a bird got wings?

Make them large and Victorian.

They must be oils on canvas, board, or sacking.

Any particular style?

They needn't have any style at all.

JIM: Soften him up in the drawing room.

Let him feast his greedy eyes on those Stubbses.

What about the ceiling in the boudoir?

All those nipples and buttocks?

It is la guerre.

But it is not maléfique.

I like it.

I like it.

Where the hell is Lovejoy?

What a charming village.

You didn't tell me.

Ah.

You took the scenic route.

We arrived a few minutes early.

It's beautiful.

You haven't met my sister, Judy.

My pleasure, madam.

Mr. Koopman, welcome to Rokeby Hall.

Lovejoy, art adviser to the V&A.

20th century is his specialty.

Lovejoy.

Koopman.

Fancy a stroll before we get down to the nitty-gritty?

Walking's not what I'm here for.

Where's the Klimt?

Oh, surely just a few minutes.

It's such a lovely day.

No, thank you.

Not even a titter at the ha-ha?

-I'm sorry?

-Shall we go in?

I'll go and organize some coffee.

Right.

Nice Chinese vases.

Um, Ming?

Ming design.

Japanese, actually.

Imari.

See the blue underglaze?

Exported to Europe at the end of the 18th century.

Part of the chinoiserie range.

Ah.

Oh.

What is that pile of manure doing here?

Hm.

Thomas Gainsborough's portrait of Juliana -- probably after Gainsborough.

Mm.

Bloody long time after, I'd say.

[ Chuckles ] The original's in Washington.

I know.

At Xanadu, we have six Gainsboroughs, all authenticated and original.

Five Reynolds and, uh... some Romneys.

You're very observant.

Well, it's my business.

Tell me, Jim.

Your sister -- She's not married?

Widow.

Tragic story.

Her husband was a flier.

Royal Air Force.

Ejected over Scotland.

Drowned in a loch.

And some of the Klimt money will go to her, right?

How did you know that?

Am I right?

Yes.

Ja.

Intuition.

Some things you said.

You know, Jim, you bark a lot.

But really at heart, you are a marshmallow.

Good job I've got Lovejoy in my corner.

Yes.

Some of the money will go to Judy.

Then there's the plumber's bill.

More improvements on the farm buildings.

The roof leaks.

The drains need -- How long have you got?

[ Laughter ] And Lovejoy is here advising you.

And the problem was whether to sell half a dozen small objects or go for broke on one large one.

Ah.

Or whether to sell over the counter or under.

[ Chuckles ] Exactly.

Whereas, if you popped it into auction...

Commissions and taxes would swallow up to 60%.

Thank heavens for Xanadu.

But then, at Xanadu, of course, we don't pay market prices.

Ah.

Stubbs.

Tell me, Lovejoy.

What do you think of it?

Oh, it's very nice.

It's the 10th lord, right?

Hmm?

Oh, yes.

Yes, that's right.

Stubbs didn't paint many named portraits.

He preferred anonymous grooms if he had to show people.

Tell me.

The 10th lord.

All these pictures of other lords going back to when our countries were at war.

So why is Jim just plain Mr. Leonard?

Ah.

The title runs through the female line, the, um, distaff side.

Have you seen a priest hole?

Eric, that's the worst yet!

I know.

They're awful, all of them.

But this sets new standards of awfulness.

I know.

He's totally flipped his lid.

He's buying as if there was no tomorrow.

Maybe the frames are worth something.

Come on.

Look at it.

No.

Maybe not.

Oh, it doesn't look any better the right way up.

Ah.

Jane, it's very good of you.

I hope I haven't been too long.

No, not at all.

Tinker, you've been buying up these oils for weeks now.

I have a contact.

Oh?

Who?

Oh, I wouldn't like to say.

I mean, after all, he's my contact, and if I were to blab, he'd be everybody else's contact.

Careless talk, remember.

He's Spanish.

Shh.

Where does he work?

-In Spain.

-And?

Madrid.

Oh, go on.

Tell her.

The Prado.

The -- The Prado?

[ Laughing ] Yes.

He's been there for years, actually.

Tinker, the Prado is one of the top museums in Europe -- in the world, anywhere.

Exciting, isn't it?

A-And these pictures are going there?

Mm.

♪ Viva la España ♪ Eric, h-have you met this Spaniard?

No, but I've spoken to him on the Freddy.

Does he sound, um, mad?

No.

What does he sound like?

[ Horn honks ] Spanish?

Now, uh, this might interest you.

[ Sighs ] Now, look.

Since I came here, you've shown me Japanese Chinese vases, a lot of pictures of dead people's heads, a priest's... -What?

-Hole.

Hole.

Yeah.

An uncharacteristic Stubbs, um, a-a fireplace built with Sicilian stone brought over i-in whose yacht?

Uh, Sir Bernard Docker.

Now, will you please show me what I came to see?!

Yes.

Of course.

It's, uh, through here.

Thank you!

LOVEJOY: Spent most of that summer painting landscapes, often from a rowboat.

That way, even though he wasn't peeping into a bedroom, he was still a voyeur.

It's not at all what you expect from Klimt.

The rhythmical grouping, hm?

See the parallelism?

Wonderful.

Symmetry.

He used a-a grid through which he would compose.

Preferred square-shaped canvases like this one.

It's airless, isn't it?

Unpopulated.

But it's...energized.

Tell me, Jim.

Uh, Gainsborough, Stubbs -- Krum, even, I understand.

But -- But why a Klimt?

I mean, how?

Well, my father was in Vienna in the '30s.

And...well, he just saw the way the wind was blowing.

Ah.

It's wonderful.

How do you arrive at your price, Lovejoy?

Research.

Oils, when applied with heavy impasto, as for example, with van Gogh, can take up to 20 years to harden.

Klimt died in 1918.

Exactly.

All right, Jim.

It's on.

How would you like to be paid?

-Lavishly.

-Mm.

[ Chuckles ] Diamonds?

Yeah.

It's a good choice.

Can't be personalized or easily identified.

Easy to carry.

Yeah.

Give me, um, 48 hours.

Coffee, gentlemen?

Ah!

Perhaps your sister would like to come to Amsterdam with me so that she could help to choose the stones.

[ Chuckles ] ♪ Diamonds are a girl's best friend ♪ JUDY: Milk and sugar?

Uh, yes, please.

[ Birds chirping ] Aha.

Someone's been shooting here.

[ Sniffs ] And recently, too.

Tell me, Jim.

What sort of game do you have here?

Ooh.

The usual sort.

Well, a pheasant or three.

Partridge.

No grouse?

Grouse?

Um... Too far south.

KOOPMAN: So...I'll see you boys on Sunday.

Sunday.

Well, that's the weekend.

We can relax, make it a party.

Good idea.

Business and pleasure -- It's a great mixture.

We'll invite a few friends, hmm?

While you're at it, you could find someone to shoot with me.

No problem.

I haven't killed anything recently.

I really look forward to it.

[ Both chuckle ] Something wrong?

Oh, make it a party, invite a few friends, friends who shoot.

[ Chuckles ] What friends?

-[ Vehicle door closes ] -Hmm.

-[ Chuckles ] -[ Vehicle departing ] Can you shoot, Lovejoy?

-Water pistol.

-[ Chuckles ] And that was a long time ago.

Only thing Jim can shoot is his mouth.

A marksman.

He's just shown me that.

Why did you do it?

People in love will say anything.

Two years we've been working this scam.

There's more to this than diamonds, isn't there?

My father.

Xanadu bought everything he painted.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Most artists never sell anything in their lifetime.

Look at Modigliani.

Look at van Gogh.

They bought his pictures and stored them in a warehouse in Zurich.

They never saw the light of day.

It broke his heart.

Everything he painted, gone.

JIM: They contracted him for 20 canvases a year.

Now, of course, they're dripping back onto the market, sold for huge profits.

Dad's dead now, and neither Mother or I saw a penny of the money!

Judy.

We first saw the Klimt two years ago last Easter.

Two years of getting to know the Trenchards, winning their confidence, six months trailing Koopman.

We've got to nail the bastard.

We've still got 48 hours.

Is there no one we can call on?

No one at all?

Lovejoy...what about you?

You must know someone.

You know the trouble with housework, Lovejoy?

What?

You get everything neat and clean, spick and span, not a mote of dust anywhere, windows gleaming.

Six months later, you have to do it all again.

Well, you like being a bachelor, Tink.

Sometimes.

Well, you should've got used to it in the army, yeah?

Soldiers of the queen, Lovejoy.

They must've taught you to shoot a gun as well, eh, Tink?

It's not a gun, Lovejoy.

It's a rifle.

It's a .303 Enfield, as a matter of fact.

-I've got awards for it.

-Really?

Yes.

I was voted the worst shot since the regiment was formed in the '45 rebellion.

So you can't shoot.

And I certainly can't shoot.

Who do we know who can shoot?

Eric.

Eric?

Yeah.

He was a poacher, remember?

Yeah?

Many is the brace of poached pheasants that he's sold in his father's shop.

He put the down payment on his first Norton that way.

Oh.

So he can be our gentleman farmer.

We've already got Lady Jane, so she can be your, um...

Wife?

Granddaughter.

Oh, Lovejoy!

[ Laughs ] Just kidding, Tink.

You can be her dad.

Trust me.

Those two words have preceded some of the worst experiences of my life, Lovejoy.

All I've got to do is talk Jane into it now.

JANE: No way, Lovejoy.

Absolutely no way.

Janey.

No.

I'm not playing Bonnie to your Clyde ever again.

But I don't rob banks.

You would if you thought you could get away with it.

Only a teeny one.

[ Chuckles ] The ring, remember?

There was an explanation for that, wasn't there?

There always is.

Mitigating circumstances.

No.

Janey, it's a day in the country.

A nice lunch, couple of drinks, lots of fresh air.

What could be better, eh?

I live in the country.

Hmm?

[ Sighs ] Why?

Why what?

-Just that.

-What?

-Why?

-What do you mean, why?

Who's going to be there?

What's the angle?

Who's gonna be there?

Angle?

Where do you get these ideas from?

From you.

Well, my friend Jim Leonard, right?

Jim Leonard and Judy Leonard and this -- this Dutchman, uh, Hans Koopman.

They want to show him the perfect English Sunday.

Mm.

So why does Tinker have to pretend to be Lord Didsbury?

Well, for fun.

For color!

You know these Europeans.

They love tea at Windsor Castle, B&B at Balmoral.

Mm-hmm.

No.

How much is involved?

What do you mean?

How much what?

Money.

Moolah.

Money?

There's no money involved with this.

[ Chuckles ] No?

No.

No.

Read my lips.

No money involved.

I don't believe you.

On my mother's grave.

She's not dead.

Anyway, my nieces are coming for the weekend.

You can bring them as well, can't you?

[ Sighs ] This is Charlotte and Samantha.

Henry Catchpole, Lord Didsbury.

[ Indistinct conversations ] JIM: Warren, could you take, uh, Lord Didsbury and Catchpole to their rooms?

And I'll, uh, get started on the -- on the Pimm's.

Oh, uh, Koopman will be here in a quarter of an hour.

I'll get Lady Jane to meet him.

Splendid.

How did Jim get Rokeby Hall?

House-sitting.

-For the Trenchards?

-Oh, you know them?

Mm.

Vaguely.

Have you seen the Klimt?

Oh, yes.

The bell is over the bed, my lord.

Mineral water and fruit on the side.

I take it you'd like The Times?

That would be most amenable.

Would you like me to unpack for you?

Oh!

Uh, I'll do that myself, thank you.

Oh, shoes left outside at night in the usual way.

Of course.

My lord.

Hey, this is a bit of all right, isn't it?

-Shh.

-Ha!

You got a four-poster.

Yes.

Most agreeable.

Tinker, it's me, Eric.

You don't have to give me all that Lord Didsbury bit.

I'm trying to keep in character, as Lovejoy told me.

Cor, look at this load of old grot.

Yes.

Well, I wasn't expecting to do a stopover.

Still, a smashing gaff, though, isn't it, eh?

By the way, there's something in the paper might interest you.

Ha!

What did I tell you?

[ Chuckles ] £1,400 for a half-eaten piece of toast?

29-year-old toast at that.

At Christie's?

They must be mad.

Yeah, but it's George Harrison's toast, isn't it, see?

What did I tell you?

Pop.

George who?

-Oh, yes.

-Good shot, Charlotte.

Who's winning?

-I am.

-I am.

They sent me to meet you.

Thought you might get lost.

How thoughtful.

Jane Felsham.

Hans Koopman.

Please, can I offer you a lift?

Thank you.

[ Vehicle approaching ] [ Laughs ] [ Vehicle door closes ] Koopman, I don't believe you've met Lord Didsbury, Lady Jane's father.

Very pleased to meet you, sir.

Lady Jane.

Koopman.

Uh, tell me, how did you get such a beautiful daughter?

It's in the breeding, you know.

There have been Didsburys since Agincourt.

If we haven't got it right yet, we never will have, what?

-[ Gasps ] -[ Laughter ] Are you coming to shoot with us?

I'm damned if I am.

I pierced an eardrum with the Fusiliers.

When I had a stopover in town -- I put up at my club -- I used to telephone home just to hear the dogs bark.

Can't do it anymore.

Tragedy, what?

[ Chuckles ] -Shall we?

-Mm.

Aunt Jane, do you mind if I borrow your car to practice some reversing?

Okay, but be careful.

Her driving test is on Tuesday.

Keep knocking 'em in, girls.

You old phony.

It was Elgar used to phone home to see how his dogs were.

[ Gunshot ] Bravo.

Very good.

You've done this before.

Pull.

[ Gunshot ] [ Applause ] Pity we haven't time to go after some pheasants.

Eh?

It's a pity we haven't time to go after some pheasants.

Oh, not before October, Mr. Koopman.

-No?

-No.

Uh, out of season.

You can bag a few pigeons, but no pheasant.

I want to talk to you.

KOOPMAN: Pull.

[ Gunshot ] Gott verdammnt!

Bring it 'round -- Careful!

Not so fast.

That's it.

Go on.

-Care-- -[ Crash, glass shatters ] Oh, my God.

[ Laughs ] Jane will kill me.

There's no damage to Jane's.

It's that one.

You've squashed its bottom.

[ Laughs ] -Whose is it?

-No idea.

At least it wasn't the Roller.

It's so good of you, Lord Didsbury, to help out.

A pleasure, my dear.

A pleasure.

My brother and I are most grateful.

It's a charming house.

Yes.

We love it.

Mr. Leonard?

JIM: Oh.

Jim, please.

You're Charlie?

-I'm Sam.

-Oh.

Typical.

Couldn't even pick the winner of a two-horse race.

Has anyone offered you a sherry, Sam?

No.

Please.

Um, I've got a confession to make.

I've had an awful accident.

Oh.

Anyone hurt?

No.

Well, that's all that matters.

It's only people who can't be replaced or repaired.

Well, I reversed into your car.

Oh, heavens, child, I'm always pranging it.

Don't worry about it.

My foot slipped.

Must be your shoes.

[ Chuckles ] Don't worry.

Don't let it ruin your day.

You're awfully kind.

Oh, I am.

[ Birds chirping ] Jim?

[ Whispering ] Lovejoy!

What's going on?

Huh?

Koopman's Klimt.

-What, in there?

-Yes.

Why?

Why?

So nobody could find it.

-Got a tire lever?

-Yes.

Well?

It's in the boot.

What's going on?

The Klimt bloody copy is in there.

-Oh!

-Oh, my God.

Now what?

-Nearest garage.

-It's Sunday.

-Nearest garage.

-Village, near the white -- -Give me the keys.

-No.

I'll go.

-You talk to Koopman.

-What about lunch?

Um, migraine.

We'll stall him.

For how long?

For as long as it takes.

LOVEJOY: So you might think that that tapestry is Flemish.

But in fact...it's English.

In fact, as English as this lunch we're having.

Mortlake, 17th century.

I'm sorry we're denied Judy's company.

JIM: Uh, Warren?

You sent up the tray?

I did, sir.

JANE: They come out of nowhere, migraines.

I've got a friend.

A single piece of chocolate or a slice of cheese devastates her.

The poor gal!

Should I pop up and see her, Leonard?

KOOPMAN: Uh, Lady Jane, the English peerage -- uh, who is a duke or a count or a lord -- it confuses the hell out of me.

[ Chuckles ] Most of us, too.

[ Horn honking ] Hello?

Hello?

Is anyone in?

Hello?

No, I mean, these slabs of shiny bright red stuff -- I mean, it's like eating plastic.

Because the taste of your meat is in the marbling, you see.

I mean, take your French Charolais.

Great hogs.

You've only got to take one look at them.

They're beasts of burden.

They're about as tasty as a tractor.

Now, you see, we should never have neglected our own.

I mean, take your Galloway.

I mean, it's like a carpet with four hooves on the corners.

Um, how big is your spread, Mr. Catchpole?

Sorry?

The farm.

Ah.

Um... ...400 acres.

Oh.

In the arable?

I'm sorry?

Um, a-ara-- a-arable.

Ah!

Um... No, no.

Why, the official viewpoint in the upper house -- the, uh, Lords, that is -- is we'll never crack this European thing till we can hook you European Johnnies onto cricket.

That'll be the day.

TINKER: They've asked me to get up a committee to explain the finer points.

The initial briefing goes something like this.

Cricket.

There are two sides out in the field -- one out and one in.

And each chap that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out, he comes back in, and the next chap goes in until he's out.

And when they're all out, the side that's been out comes in and the side that's in goes out and tries to get out the chaps that are coming in.

Then again, of course, you'll get a chap who's still in and therefore not out.

But once everybody's been in and out, including the not-outs, that's the end of the match.

It's really quite simple.

Very good, Lord Didsbury.

How -- How long is it going to take?

Judy.

Five minutes.

Okay.

They must be kept at a constant temperature.

Mustn't vary more than a couple of degrees, somewhere between 50 and, uh... -55.

-...55.

Fahrenheit, yes.

Tell me, do you have, uh, cellars like these in Felsham?

If we had, we'd have all been alcoholics by now.

[ Chuckles ] Well, Lord Didsbury looks as though he enjoys a snort.

[ Chuckles ] It has been known.

Well, that explains it.

Oh, look!

Chateau Mouton Rothschild, 1976.

You know, that's just after it was promoted to first growth.

Strictly for family and close friends.

How soon could we be close friends, Jane?

[ Chuckles ] Everything okay?

I think so.

You do this side.

I'll do this side.

[ Door closes ] Oh, art is business, Lady Jane.

You see, pictures, statues, silver, archaeological remains -- All of these are product, nothing more.

Do I have to?

Oh, Tinker, please.

It's my claustrophobia.

Do it for me.

I'll try.

[ Sighs ] It's wonderful what copyists can do, but they can't quite get the aura.

They just can't match the feeling.

Where will this go?

This?

Oh, to, um, to Bern or to Zurich.

Thank you.

Tell me.

Have you heard of a man called, um, Sir Harry Teagarden?

He lives in Warwick.

-No.

-Ah.

I'm supposed to buy a Renoir from him this evening.

Yes.

The poor man is in debt to the tax man.

Oh.

Sunday busy Sunday, eh?

Ah.

Excuse me.

Oh, thank you.

Um...

Allow me.

Oh.

Oh, that's very kind.

-Mr. Koopman.

-Thank you so much.

Thank you.

JIM: Not at all.

LOVEJOY: You really enjoy your work, don't you, Hans?

KOOPMAN: Yes.

Yes, I do.

I enjoy it very much.

Especially the moment when you complete a deal, you know?

That is the moment of triumph.

Ah.

You know, if it wasn't for the greed that is within us all, then Xanadu would never have been the fabled home of Kubla Khan.

Well, beauty's always been for sale but sometimes at, uh, too high a price.

Oh, never, Lovejoy.

Never.

Come.

Let's go to the car.

[ Chuckles ] Good, good.

Remember Xanadu!

We will.

Whatever you did to him, I don't mind.

Thanks for all your help, Janey.

Glad to oblige.

[ Engine turns over ] Keep an eye on Tinker.

What, drunk too much?

I think he's falling for Judy.

What?

I wouldn't expect you to notice.

-See you in the morning.

-Mm.

-Bye, girls.

-BOTH: Bye.

Xanadu.

-Xanadu.

-Xanadu.

What about the diamonds, Jim?

Safely locked away.

We'll divvy up in the morning.

Diamonds in the moonlight.

Such purity.

Well, I'm for bed.

Been an exhausting day.

Sleep well.

I'll see you in the morning.

Good night, Jim.

Champagne...stately homes, diamonds.

I feel like James Bond.

So t-that's two two-minute eggs.

Yep.

For him.

Two three-minute eggs for me.

Uh, toast -- uh, brown or white?

-Brown.

-Uh, white, please.

Uh, juice to start?

-Please.

-Oh, no, thank you.

Uh, tea or coffee?

-Coffee.

-Uh, tea, please.

Oh.

A-And the time -- 8:30?

-Fine.

-Fine.

Yeah.

Oh!

[ Laughs ] -Thank you very much.

-Good night, Warren.

I could get used to this, Lovejoy.

-No.

It would spoil you.

-Spoil me for what?

Excuse me.

What's this number?

Oh, that's Samantha's number.

Oh, and I suppose that's Charlotte's.

It's just a bit of insurance, you know.

[ Chuckles ] Good night, sweet lady, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

Good night, dear Tinker.

Night, Lovejoy, Eric.

Night, Judy.

Ma'am.

The girl of my dreams.

Oh, Tink, you've just met her.

No, Lovejoy.

I feel I've known her all my life.

[ Vehicle passes ] [ Birds chirping ] [ Sniffing ] [ Inhales deeply ] It's quarter past 9:00.

So?

Well, have you had your breakfast yet?

No, not yet.

Well, exactly.

-I'll ring for it now.

-It's a waste of time.

I've been ringing for half an hour.

Then we'll jolly well go and chivvy them up, what?

[ Chuckles ] Smells good.

Hello?

TINKER: Hello?

Hello?

-Lovejoy!

-Lovejoy!

Lovejoy!

I-It's the Mary Celeste!

-They've done a runner!

-Who?

The house is deserted.

They've all gone.

LOVEJOY: Hmm?

Did you divvy up the diamonds?

Huh?

And who the hell is this now?

It must be the Trenchards.

Time to go.

Yes?

[ Groans ] Gott verdammnt!

Café con sucre, Juan Pedro.

ERIC: You just relax there, Tinker, eh?

Don't worry about me.

After all, they're only your bloody paintings.

Muchas gracias, señora.

Jim.

Judy.

It's all right for you.

You lost a few diamonds.

I've lost Judy.

Come on.

They're married, Tink.

No.

They're brother and sister.

What?

They're married.

Married?

Oh, I'm sorry to have to break it to you like this, but yes, they're married, Tink.

Married?

-[ Crashing ] -ERIC: Ow!

[ Speaking Spanish ] Yeah.

Gracias, mon brave.

Where are these pictures going, Tink?

They're going to my friend at the Prado.

He's head of the research department.

He uses them for his students to practice on.

Oh.

They practice cleaning, patching, removing the varnish and restoring the glaze.

So they cut their teeth on your awful pictures?

Well, you can't ruin what's already ruined.

I've got a four-year contract.

It's good for gin money if nothing else.

Yeah.

Well, I told him -- The big money's in pop.

Oh, pop off.

What did I say about Jim Leonard teaching me everything I know?

Still learning.